Oh, I see what you did there.

“To be my wife you come to Lithuania.”

ohiseewhatyoudidthere — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 18:04:24 +0000

I’ve been sorely neglecting this blog recently, not because of a dearth of online nutjobs or ridiculous happenings, but rather because I’ve been busy with my thesis and writing associated papers. However, today I am breaking my silence to bring you what I think is the first genuinely tailor-made, prank online nutjob. In spite of the fact that it’s clearly from someone I know, it’s definitely as good as the bona fide nutjobs received in the past:

Hi is you love for me the name is Jagaila m 33 Lithuania. I have bad bad wife she does no listen, no love & she steals. It is custom Lithuania tradition to exchange one woman to other woman and you I wish to exchange, ur nice & no stealing yes? If you know man who need wife he can have mine free from moneys tomorrow—I send her with gladness. Wife name is Satrijos call her Sat. Write me yes with address of man who will take Sat do NOT tell him Sat is BAD bad yes? Once Sat shipped or traindrive to destined man, you ship/traindrive you to me for happiness. Your pictures is nice and you must be better than her. She is awful. (She try to hurt me once at sleep but I wake & force her down)

I have moneys just come now o.k. ? Please hurry

Lovely regard,

Jagalia Radauskas.

It’s a well-executed prank, and is therefore worthy of the blog in spite of being fraudulent! I have my suspicions regarding the guilty party, but do step forward if you can take honestly take credit for it. I will quite possibly bake you a batch of home-made cookies as a reward for sending me the most amusing thing I’ve read all day. And if it’s not a prank, well… does anyone reading this want a loveless marriage based on lies and theft, traindriven directly to their door?

I ‘have’ philosophy, and I’m not afraid to use it!

ohiseewhatyoudidthere — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 13:06:20 +0000

This charming fellow did not reveal his location:

HihI. i am looking for woman and this can be either you or it can be your friends. recent pen-friend (also from the UK) describe me as ‘stunningly inadequate, and difficult to open’ but i see yuo have philosophy and so i would believe there are no barriers you could not hop across. myself i was also at college. i went in there, and then died, and then went in there again. i am now almost done. now its Time to come together and make it good. i hope soon to come to scottland also, to see the high hills and low cracks and so if we can make friend now then when i am in the country i surely find it easier to meet woman (though we can start with yourself).

thankyou for my induction.

I don’t know what I love most about this one, but the dramatic language regarding his education is certainly a strong contender. I think the world might be a better place if when you said “Hey Phil, aren’t you a university dropout?”, your mate Phil replied “Yeah, man, I went in there, and died—but I went in there again, and I’m graduating next week! It’s time to come together and make it good, boys!”

Also, I know I can’t be the only one who loves it when a stranger in a bar (in one of Scotland’s illustrious high hills or low cracks of course) says “Hi there. Let me buy you a drink—I’m looking for a woman, and it can either be you, or it can be one of your friends.” This mildly threatening come-on is really one to make a girl feel uniquely attractive.

More importantly, I know what I’ll be adding to my CV as soon as I’ve finished this blog post: ‘Able to hop across absolutely all barriers due to the fact I have philosophy.’

Two somewhat absurd and pleasing things I’ve had the fortune to see over the last four days.

ohiseewhatyoudidthere — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 13:02:40 +0000

Whilst reading this post, stand in awe before my sophisticated grasp of the nuances of graphic design packages (as evidenced by the squint, somewhat squiggly red arrows and the misshapen question marks).

Anyway, these two corresponding items on the menu in a Glasgow restaurant delighted me when I had dinner with two friends on Saturday night:

We didn’t order either dish. Suggestions regarding why the angry prawns ought to cost more than the (clearly spiritually superior) peaceful prawns are most welcome.

Secondly, this perplexing sight greeted my friend Lewis and I as we were waiting for our train:

What exactly is going on here? “Honey, I’m home! I bought a new computer, and some genuine antlers”??

A homegrown classic.

ohiseewhatyoudidthere — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 17:52:57 +0000

I’m from Glasgow. My accent isn’t strong, but it’s strong enough that I’m guilty of lazily dropping the letter ‘t’ from words like ‘what’ when I’m speaking very quickly (which is most of the time). Many of my friends and family members have stronger accents than I do, and I’m actually quite fond of Glaswegian parlance sometimes; I’m a particular fan of ‘bawbag’, ‘tube’, and ‘get tae’. However, I strongly dislike those people (Scottish or otherwise) who take great pains to bring their accent across in everyday text-based communication for absolutely no good reason. I particularly loathe this when it is combined with offensively unnecessary abbreviations. On an unrelated note, I also hate bad poetry. With that in mind, let me introduce you to John:

Awrite? mah names john d. and im frae glasgow but live over the border noo and am studyin in Lancaster fur mah degree. ah see ur @ Glasgow wot ru studyin? wot ah do in spare time is look @ pix of lassies on here and wen they inspiration me then I send a poem. ah did that for u the noo. dis one is based oan ur pic wer ur relaxin oan a pillow:

*as the night sky falls i fill ur heart with love

but yet i fead ur soul wit all that i av.

in times of needing i might no be there by ur side,

and u turn and look and feel so alone,

but in ur heart is where i will be

always.*

Rite back!

xxxxxxxxxxx

Good lord. I don’t think I’ve ever ‘inspirationed’ a man to quite that degree before.

Progressing upon the path of nature.

ohiseewhatyoudidthere — Wed, 27 May 2009 16:11:20 +0000

This touching offer (received last year via Facebook) filled me with hope that there’s a whole world of rich and joyful experiences waiting for me if I happen to abandon this life of academia:

Hello dear friend, or one I hope will soon become a dear friend! I am here by sending my best greeting under you and your family. Is a wonderful pleasure to send this lovely letter to you! I hope you are in good condition. To write you this letter is a great pleasure to me large! My name is Yahya, I am from The Gambia in West Africa. The tailoring of many men is a lie, but inside me you will find only truth. I believe you will like what your binoculars see.

I am looking for a woman to move to me here in the lands here with me. I would require that you pay to fly your air mobile over to here to join me, but upon arrival I would no longer levy a fee. Instead, I would pay for you to take care of my home and my needs. I would pay handsomely for the services of your meal creation, your washing, your keeping clean of the abode, and your bathroom cleansing especially. There would of course be some expectation of sexual services but within the first month of dining together at night we would first come to know one another and simply progress upon the path of nature. We may both look forward to the rare heat of being enveloped by another persons flaming door .

Thank you very much, may sunshine fill your dwelling. Have a nice day and in your family and friends

Take care.

I very much enjoy the way in which the initial paragraph and the last three lines are so intensely polite (if filled with strange metaphors), whilst the ideas presented in the middle paragraph are both preposterous and misogynistic. That said, I really hope I’m in good condition too! It has been a while since my vet last checked behind my ears.

Online nutjobs from the past.

ohiseewhatyoudidthere — Fri, 22 May 2009 19:33:36 +0000

These are directly copied from the ‘notes’ section of my Facebook profile, but I’ll soon share some of my other favourite saved messages which I haven’t yet posted anywhere.

So… like most people, in my time on social networking sites I’ve received quite a lot of interesting messages from the depraved, the incoherent, and the downright odd (from various places around the globe). I suppose it’s best to start with the sort of enticing message that most girls (and some boys) are very familiar with:

Hiya, nice pics! Sorry for the lack of anything on my profile, haven’t got round to it but im 22/m/glasgow/cute :p Ok, i was bored…ok, few questions:

1. ASL?
2. what do you do?
3. favourite sexual position?
4. favourite type of film?
5. bj girl and do you swallow?
6. fav type of food?
7. ever done anal?
8. are you into cars?
9. like them to cum in you?
10. Horny at all?

I’ve got to try talking to strangers that way (“What do you like to eat? And do you take it up the ass, by the way?”). I’ll soon be making new friends all over the place.

I also think I should take note of the way in which question 9 follows from 8. It suggests that I’ve been living in downright appalling ignorance about the sexual capabilities of automobiles.

————————–————————–—————————–—————-

This one is a classic:
Hello my name is Aka Kross. I is daddy, i are 21 yrs old single, male and am fron Nigeria but i am living in the world (all parts).

Wat i do is Music (Hip and Hop), and i need serious girl to stand a family with. i dont mind the color of the scone but she must be good inside her sole. I need a real solemate not those that have toysole.

i can feel you are such a person, the person i need in me. if you are really serious to get a pretty guy to stand a family with, then you better email me or add me to your msn so we can chat and know each other more better.

i am waiting patiently for ya to replay, thanks.

Needless to say, he is still waiting patiently.

————————–————————–—————————–—————-

hello there! i am Sam, a good girl from Liverpool!! I am good looking, a bubbly girl full of life…mmm! i am 25 years old and i have nice figure…i hope!! i am here using David’s website and David and i are looking for a nice girl for goooood fun and crazy times! I long to be with a girl since i need the female touch, but i need David to join us too…will you be interested in us?

go on!! take a chance!! a threesome? the chance of three?
…mmm.

I can promise you, you will have a wonderful time, because David is an architect, a funny guy to be with and he is also very good looking..mm…i also think you are very nice too..

we can either travel to you or you can stay with us in either Liverpool or in Edinburgh…either is fine! it’ll all be fun!…mmm!

i hope you will like it..lots of warm hugs and girly kisses!!
Sam.

It’ll be wonderful because “David is an architect, and a funny guy to be with”? That’s great! He can design buildings and tell knock knock jokes while we all fuck!

It was hard to refuse such a great opportunity for “the chance of three” but I somehow managed to decline this offer and carry on with my normal, dull life.

————————–————————–—————————–—————-

Hi, My name is Luis Jesús Mancilla I`m from colombia, and have twenty five years. excuse me but I´m learning english. hope it’s difficult for you. I`m single and am system engineering stud. I like read, play tv video games, watch movies and foods, and I like to took with you.

i look for the dating in long terms, u perform only 4 flowers. find love that is for us all in that there is no need for sex u will not b requirired 2 do it if not wanting to.

and by the way,am lookin 4 true love, nothin else, and hope i can find it with u.

let’s make friendship!
¿kiss kisssssss

It’s a tad cruel of him to hope it’s difficult for me, but I’ll admit that I’ve been craving a system engineering stud for quite some time now.

And who doesn’t like the idea of performing for flowers, really?

————————–————————–—————————–—————-

I thought I had heard all the internet had to offer when it came to bizarre messages from strangers. Alas, I was mistaken! This completely non-sexual message blew them all out of the water. I received it after just two brief conversations (about books and music) with an American guy:

So I was wondering if down the road we find that we like each other, would you consider moving in with me in Houston and having a real relationship? You could pursue an education while living with me, I could help you find a job, or if you want you can just chill out at our apartment all day. I will be finished with college in a couple of years, and I won’t have any loans to pay back. Once I start making a professional salary, we could put money down on our own house. From there we could build a family together. Alternatively, we could just be partners and live together but not pursue a family. Please let me know what you think about this.

- Michael.

Why, a resounding YES, Michael! I’ll start thinking about flights to Houston right away. I can’t wait to chill out at ‘our’ apartment. And it’s great that you won’t have any loans to pay back; I feel so much more secure about our future together just knowing that comforting fact.

————————–————————–———————————————

A little dose of normality (?):
Sorry to get heavy on yah but I think you are damn sexy lookin, any chance of a hand job? today would be nice but I can wait til a little later. Maybe we could even have lunch afterwards. I’m 5ft6 tall, with short light brown hair, blue eyes, wear glasses and I’m equipped with a 6 inch long and 5 and a half inch straight across.

I won’t lie–I swooned. “Maybe we could even have lunch afterwards!” just sold it to me. Plus, something about the description of this gentleman’s measurements (i.e. his use of the words ‘straight across’) at first made me feel a bit like he was saying his cock was almost square, and I should surely investigate that in the name of science if nothing else.

More to the point, of course I always just drop everything and run to jerk off strangers, anyway–especially if they are so polite as to give me a choice between ‘now’ and ‘a little later.’

————————–————————–———————————————

Let’s go overseas again!

In first i wanna talk with you about pic in your profile, serious face that show you are very important woman. Elsewhere you have a sweet smile, and nice salting. i am Omar bilhaj formerly work in information college in company in my conutry. am student in chemistry deaprtmant in faculty of scinece in here. am 23 year.

i wanna marriage from nice female i think you want that too, with me. i can tell. I have interest in your list and gases.

if you want marry i want that too. i wait your reply soon please do not be late for the games.

your love 4 ever,
Omar Bilhaj.

I find myself unable to even comment on that one.

————————–————————–———————————————

Sticking with exotic strangers from far-off lands:
hi have you ever been in estonia? Just wanted you to go there and meet the most exciting and horny girl ever. she’s my best friend, and so badly wants to have sex with a girl. she never tried before. are you experienced that way? I promise she will fondle you like a pro…she has read all the right books.

The fun never stops.

————————–————————–———————————————

“DO YOU……..wanna have sex with me?….just randomly

i have a free house and ur pretty I thought maybe we could start out with some oral if you don’t mind. i like foreplay and i kno from my experience that girls appreciate slow starts.

If you have sex toys, plz bring. i already have some anal beads from my bro though so u don’t need to bring them but if u maybe have dildos then that would be convenient. also things to pleasure me, if you have bought something like that before. i’m open to bondages and trying many new positions.

Interested? reply and I’ll give u my number to ring.

i really think ur nice x

Sure, I’ll just go and and dig out my collection of butt-plugs and vibrating cock rings, then I’ll be right over. Hey, wait a minute, what more could we really want than anal beads from his bro?

Anyway, the author of this message was a red-faced 16 year old Glaswegian boy with tiny straight lips and a worrying abundance of Gap hoodies. I love that he knows “from his experience” that women appreciate “slow starts.” What a catch.

————————–————————–———————————————

A similarly articulate message:
hi there, 27 irish here. i like your face. mind if i wank looking at ur pics?

Well, that’s very flattering. Especially coming from 27 Irish men, if you take that clumsy introduction literally.

————————–————————–———————————————

hi it is me Jafari. hows it been for you?

just calling to see if maybes you feel like takin some naked pictures of me. youre profile say that you like photography fun for hobby so if maybes you could come round to egypt you can do the pictures of me. you seem like the thoughts are free so i would hope to pay you well. we can maybes set up tripod setting and see if maybes you would climb in to play also.

i like your face still it is unusual. are you human?

bisexual girls is not much common here or is under wraps. i find bisexual girl are exciting and free as bird. i feel it to be the way that nature intended and i see beauty in the joining. i wish one day for bisexual mistress and my interests is SEX humiliation SEX dominant women SEX Masturbation. i like to eat your good food also.

let us be wild together but first just the pictures ok.

“Are you human?” Bloody hell, Jafari, is that supposed to be a compliment?

And “come round to Egypt”? What am I supposed to say to that? “Be there in five”?

The purpose of this blog.

ohiseewhatyoudidthere — Wed, 20 May 2009 17:20:16 +0000

I created this blog largely because I wanted a public space in which to post the quotations of ‘online nutjobs’ which seem to so delight my Facebook friends. I’ve been keeping an archive of offensive, bizarre and hilarious messages from random strangers on the internet since around 2001, so I have plenty to share. However, given that I feel it is somewhat supercilious and mean-spirited to write primarily about the shortcomings of others, I’ll also be using this blog to sheepishly document my monumental failures to behave as a functional member of society (in other words, to record the events which prompt my best friend to affectionately declare that I am ‘clearly retarded’).

Those sorts of posts aside, I imagine I will occasionally come here to share photographs or music, or just to write a little about my general thoughts (thereby boring you to tears like almost all other blog authors).